Thoughts Republished

Been a long while since I last placed my thoughts here. Realized that I come back to this place when I have a lot on my mind, and need some space to straighten them out in a place where require much thinking before I write what I want to write.

In a matter of months, I experienced a totally different kind of environment. At times hostile, at times happening, at times friendly, at times confusing, complicated, and the list goes on. It sort of speaks forth the waves that are in my emotional life. Thank goodness that they are under control by an anchor that is so much bigger.

Find that I have learnt much more in this span of four months than my one and a half years in my previous haunt. Indeed, the environment changes people. I can feel that change through my bones. The rush of adrenaline, the speed, it excites me, yet at times place me at the cliff - of being burnt out. Yet, without such an experience, how would I know of Matt 11:28, and Isa 40:31 so much better?

Everything seems to come much clearly to me lately. It is a time of even deeper discovery. Adventure awaits me.

1 Corinthians 13:7

7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. (NIV)

7Love bears up under anything and everything that comes, is ever ready to believe the best of every person, its hopes are fadeless under all circumstances, and it endures everything [without weakening]. (Amplified)

7Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

Someone spoke a truth in my life of late. Love always trusts. Something that I lack. Looking at three different versions, I know I have a long way to go. Yet, it is not me, but He who works through me. He who shows me why I can trust, why I can believe the best of every person, why I can never lose faith.

Hee hee hee

Juz liked this foto....everyone had their own "look"

Thump...thump..thump...thump.....

That's the sound of my heartbeat, going faster than it seems. I have shifted from my beloved boon lay jungle, to the novena town. It's closing to two weeks that I have shifted to my new-found "home". One thing's not changed - CONSTRUCTION sites. Why am I faced with them so often? God knows.

Each day I come to work, at times with fear and trembling, at not knowing what to expect, who I am to meet. I asked for a job that is challenging. Boy was that prayer answered! There isn't much guidance in this job. I am given the expected outcome, and various contacts whom I may liaise with. The rest of the work - look for a way out yourself. Hence my last week, and I believe, upcoming weeks ahead of reading, reading and reading. Next, observing, observing, observing. At the same time, whoever I could get hold of, I started to ask all sorts of questions. Of course in the midst of this, there were dumb questions asked. But what the heck, better to ask anyway. Kiasu spirit in me working hard.

There's this weird drive within me at this workplace. Yes, the pressure is a big difference as compared with the past, yet there's this thing in me that makes me tick. Tiredness has seeped in greatly - in my bid to balance the various aspects of my life. Yet, there's this satisfaction that surfaces. Wonder if this will end? Whether I'd stop feeling this way as reality sets in?

In all these, I see how the entire situation was set out in front of me. How my life has been finely and intricately planned. Just like how I was made. At this moment, at this point in time, I am marvelling at how I managed to get to this point in the first place. Yet, also looking ahead to what I am set to accomplish here. A purpose, which I am still discovering the mysteries to it.

One.Five Years

I have been in NTU for 1.5 years as an Asst Hall Officer. I always had a lot of apprehension in introducing my occupation throughout this time. People whom I meet will look at me with all kinds of weird expression, trying immensely hard to understand what is my occupation about. "Hm...what does an AHO do ah?" This is a follow - up question that I will face all the time, whenever I introduce myself in this way.

Thereafter would be another five minutes of a brief job description of what I do. I think, my mind is regularly "refreshed" in the work I do at the Hall Office. If my explanation satisfies the other party, well and good, if not, further questions will be asked. Eventually, half an hour talks on my work at the Hall Office will arise. Hence, it turns out to be a good conversational topic?!?!

All the while I was in this job, there were mixed feelings. Exactly what am I to do here? What's my direction in life, all came about. Then again, the free pockets of times in this job allows me to really set my mind to think about what exactly I want to achieve in life. Though I don't have all the answers, but I want to discover them as I live life.

"Visions are refined, they don't change. Plans are revised, they rarely stay the same."

Got this off a friend's MSN nick, according to him, it's from this book, Visioneering. Perhaps, it's also time for me to look at this.

Overall, it's a wonderful 1.5 years spent in this office. Many valuable lessons were learnt here, from the people around. I am glad as well, that I have learnt to relate with people many decades older than me. On top of that, learning from their years of vast experience. The enrichment from this, is priceless.

My staff in office, and my boss just next to me, in matching colour tops. It's an experience I am glad to be placed in this place for.

Somehow, I have this sense, that these 1.5years, are the preparatory years, thereafter, I am going for the kill. Haha...not sure about that. Yet, I sense my drive being stronger after here, and I am looking forward to scale the heights that will be placed in front of me in my new vocation.

Jer 29:11. He knows what's best for me, and the seasons in my life. Yes, there were countless struggles, countless conflicts, countless bargainings with Him over what I want in my life. After all these, that sense of assurance and security in walking with Him. Priceless.

Some Things Just Can't Be Expressed

There are times when I find I want to say more, but I can't bring myself to say it. Some expressions in my heart, that at times is bursting at its seams to be overflowed, but I can't release it.

Sometimes, I just don't know how to make it sound how I really feel. There are deep churnings of emotions in my heart, but I can't release them. Am I not able to face up to it? What is it that is hindering me from releasing these? Not releasing it in a hurtful way, but just to release it.

Looking for directions here, to be self-controlled, yet at the same time allowing myself to release these feelings within me, in a right way. Then again, what is the right way?

Delayed Reflections

On certain days, I can't help but smile. Sometimes, it is on my face, other times, it is on my heart. Today, both happened. (=

Today, I woke up to dark, overcast skies, threatening to rain all it can on me. At that point, I gave thanks to God for the shelter He placed over my head. I also gave thanks that He understands how I felt early this morning - gloomy. Glad that he feels like I do, or I felt He is telling me He understands, by painting the skies this way. Anyway, He does know what I feel. Period.

The mornings have been rather cold. Bitterly cold at times. Yet, throughout all these, He lets His love shine through. That ray of light that just creeps its way through the crevices of the trees I walk under, reminds me of that ray of hope I have in Him.

As I walked to my office, I asked myself. What have I gained in my service to my current organisation? What have I contributed in it for the past 2 years? Had I really made an impression, a good one, I hope, to the people in this place? I had no answers for a while, then it started to come in.

After my resignation was announced, I received phone calls from colleagues all around. Some called to ask about my decision, expressing their shock, and also that they'd miss me. Thereafter sending me their well wishes. Boy was I surprised. I thought I would make a quiet exit out of my organisation.

I thought that was it. A moment in time where people generally would just say their goodbyes out of mere courtesy. Then further came gifts, emails, even visits to my office to talk. Really pleasantly surprised that such efforts were made. In total, I received a good sum of angpao. I was surprised. Never did i think of so many people contributing to it.

Throughout this while, I realized that somehow, through His grace, I had impacted some people in this organisation. The things they wrote, the thoughts they have about me, encouraged me to see that God, You have placed your imprint in this place through me. I am glad that I had heeded Your direction, Your hope for me in this place. That, your very word in Matt 6:33 really meant so much. All I asked then, was a workplace on campus, to reach the student ministry more effectively. You gave me that, and so much more!

Hence, my gloomy day, became one of thankfulness, one of hope. You made it come to past. Your partnership with me has been impeccably wonderful.

What Can I Say?

I have changed. I think so.

At least, my vocation has changed. My ministry has changed. The people whom I am hanging out with often has also changed.

My perspectives and viewpoints have changed. My relationships with people have also changed. My heart condition has changed.

Yet, He has not changed. His love has not changed. His patience has not changed. His hopes and dreams for me has not changed.

What can I say? I just can't help but break into a song, to praise His goodness. In moments like these, I sing You a Love Song.

What can I say? I can never thank Him enough, never love Him enough, never seek Him enough. There's always so much more to Him than I ever can imagine.

God - More than you can imagine....

Hard to Describe

Feeling under the weather of late. There are things which can't be put into words, even how much you want it to be put into words. Case of not facing up to the reality? I presume so.

Upcoming period of time, will be challenging - to people around me, and to me. Just trying to keep my head above water, and remembering to paddle at the same time, not forgetting, to paddle in the RIGHT direction. Wow, now that seems hard. Hmm...

Questions

The older I get, the more confused I become. Why? Had been thinking about life, mine in particular. The so many things that I have been led through with Him. But I don't know what all these lead to.

Something I realized about myself recently though - I have developed some kind of dementia. I can't remember certain unhappy things, rather, I have a difficult time remembering what exactly was hurting. What's happening?

Change Management

I remembered I took this module - Change Management in my final semester as a student. If I wasn't wrong, I scored an A -grade for it. Weirdly, one and a half year on, I am taking it again. This time, a practical course.

Whatever that was discussed in the past on employee unhappiness, low staff morale, lack of direction and vision in an organisation, the lack of a positive culture, etc, all are now being enacted in front of my very eyes.

It surely doesn't feel good to be in a situation where the entire organisation is going through a major upheaval. It adds to the emotional strain of the employees when the change management team is not doing much to allay the fears of the people by telling them the truth.

I remembered a course where I attended. The course instructor didn't say anything profound, but he just said it plainly. "You may say a lot of things, but those lot of things doesn't really matter, unless it is the truth." Yes, people may grieve over it, rant over it, but at the end of the day, they can pick up and move on. When the truth is witheld, the entire organisation will be in a frenzy. How true. It is what I am looking at now.

The way I see it, strengthens my stand on one thing. Everything may be shaken in life, the security of the job, the changes in people and the organisation. One thing still stays the same, still stays stable, unchanged - the character of God, and His promises laid out.

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth will give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. Psalm 46:1-3

How apt. His direction and purpose is what that keeps His people assured and at peace despite the upheavals around us. I may not know exactly His plan for me, but I sense it is unfolding and I'd find the answer to the reason why I am still here, soon.

JC kakis

Met up again over the week. Let me see, the last time we three met was at shan's birthday. And that was like a zillion years ago!!! Hmm...ok, that was three years ago? Yup, I think so.

Interesting to see how we have not changed much in the looks section (still young, pretty...=p), but in ourselves, within our hearts, a lot of things have changed. Ms E has since been training to be a budding pianist at La selle....Shan's working at a finance company.....and in paper qualifications, mine seemingly is in society's standard, the best, but guess what? Monetary standards are not very proportionate. Ms E earns $50 bucks per hour, just by whacking some white keys with a student!















We caught up at Tampines, Century Square, our JC hang out place. It felt good to be back there, with familiar faces, talking about our crazy times together in our green uniforms, people in our class, our teacher, etc, etc. Think we should do it sometime soon. Probably at Ms E's house the next round! =)

Farewell...

There's quite a bit of movement in my organisation lately. It's farewell after farewell.

I've got to miss one farewell dinner as I'm typing this now, but it's still a sense of loss.

One is a person who guided me a lot in my work when I started off, another is a friend I gotten to know recently but the friendship deepened in a short period of time, and the last, a friend whom I've yet to get to know better, and they are all leaving.

Yet, it's still something to thank for, that in the story of my life, they are people who contributed some content in it, some more, some less. Nevertheless, they have played a part, and I hope that they'd continue to be at some point or another.

The gift I made for one of them.......

Focus, Direction

There are 24 hours in a day. Of these, not all are moments, moments that I'd stop to ponder over. The great ones, seem to last only those few minutes. Or in some days, I find none to be considered a moment to keep.

How much of these moments have I missed? How much of these moments are meant to be for keeps?

Focus - on the moments that I can give thanks to, rather than the many hours of events, circumstances that I dread. Learning to see what's the truth behind romans 8:28.

In my heart, I have planned for a particular direction. Yet, will that come to pass? I shall see.

Christmas Weekend

This year's christmas is really hectic! Five services of performance, a birthday celebration, a christmas party, and watching Narnia all rolled into three days over the christmas weekend. Hardly a time of shut-eye.

The Dance! Thank God all went well...and we did our best! It was a great team to work with! And one thing good - they were all so young, made the older ones look young also! =p

We ended off the Sunday of Christmas with a Christmas party. It was a themed party. We were supposed to look futuristic in our dressing....haha

Every Christmas's a nostalgic one for me. It's just that time of the year that I remember what happens in the entire year. The highlights, and the ones which I want to unhighlight.

The main thing this year I received, is the gift of friendships growing in richness. Relating is never easy. But this year, through the hard times, I found this much cherished circle of friends. His christmas gift to me.

In Much Need of ZzZzZz

Christmas!!! =)

I appreciate the meaning of it, a time of remembering Christ and His love for all of us, and His love that wants to touch more people around, to find a hope, and a future...that fulfillment in life...

Yet, I'm also in need of my beauty sleeeeeeeeeeep! It's the umpteenth time I cabbed to work today...now I know why God gave me a good bonus! The rest doesn't seem to be enough...and at times like this, I really, really wished that my office was located in Shenton Way and not Boon Lay!

2005 passed very quickly. I realized, I was forced to grow up rather quickly this year. Overall, this year had been one where I found myself in predicaments after predicaments of looking beyond what my human eyes can see, but at what God wants me to see. The hope and the love that can be found in all hard times. The bonds forged, and the friendships deepened. There are just too many things I can give thanks for.

Now, my hope - a merry sleepmas! hehe....December 26! I'm looking forward to my much awaited sleep! After all the joy, fun and excitement this weekend...all I want is my trustworthy slumber mates and a nice, sweet time with my Abba Father!

Hardest thing to DO

Going back to the favorite of all favorites, the topic of love. Thinking back of the age-old mushy lines, such as Jerry Mcguire's, "You had me at hello." That's really a good one, I thought. The next, "You complete me".

What really is defined as love nowadays? The mere fluttering of the heart? The butterflies in the tummy that never fades away?

I know what's the right definition. Yet, the above definition is much more fascinating than the one which I saw below. The Message version 1 Corinthians 13:4-9.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
5Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
6Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
7Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

There's so much of a commitment. It takes a life time to love. Countless times the reverse of the above happens in my life. How often have I been impatient, how often I keep scores after scores. I definitely can't put up with anything. I definitely care for myself more than others, and I definitely desire what I do not have.

Yet, it brings me back to the one who did it all. For me, for us. I'm awestruck.

Grr....Here are the SEVEN....

At the request of a Mr Lim H.K.

7 things that scare me:

1. People who are close to me leave me
2. Flying cockroaches
3. Losing my faith
4. Losing my direction in life
5. People finding out my deepest darkest secrets
6. Drowning
7. Heights

7 random songs at the moment:

1. Chicken Little song (mu-ee-wah-hee)
2. You're Beautiful Beyond Description
3. Eternal Flame
4. Raindrops keep Falling on My Head
5. All Heaven Declares
6. Victory Chant
7. Still

7 things that I like most:

1. Sleep
2. Lim kopi/teh-si
3. Writing my journal
4. Dreaming of great things
5. Ban mian
6. Marcoroni & Cheese
7. Being with good friends

7 names i go by:

1. Genie
2. Ginny
3. Jenny (people who don't believe that my name is pronounced as genie)
4. Ni-ni
5. Shuyi
6. Chimney
7. Girlie (only mum uses tis)

7 important things in my room:

1. Journal
2. Fan
3. Air-con
4. Bed
5. All my Cards from friends
6. Handphone charger
7. Gifts!

7 random facts about me:

1. Loves reading bimbotic novels e.g. shopaholic
2. Had short hair for first 18 years of my life
3. Used to like hello kitty and little twin stars
4. Started wearing specs in primary 1
5. Am very stubborn
6. Stays opposite a reservoir
7. Feminist at heart

7 things I plan to do before I die:

1. Tell as many people as I can about Christ (especially see all my family receive Him into their lives)
2. To engage in counselling work
3. Visit Venice
4. Live for a few years in any other country except Singapore
5. Own my own studio apartment (dream)
6. Obtain another degree
7. Get married and have kids (multiply - literally)

7 things I can do:

1. Daydream
2. Make noise on my guitar and organ
3. Irritate the hell out of jieyun
4. Write long long encouragement cards for people
5. Shop, shop, shop all day long
6. Score an average of 100 plus at bowling (pathetic ah)
7. Change my mind in a splitsecond

7 things I can't do:

1. Run more than 5km
2. Splits
3. Eat durian
4. Multi-task more than 3 things at a go
5. Mental calculation, quickly
6. See without my specs (yup, that blind)
7. Talk non-stop

7 things I say the most:

1. lalalalala
2. huh?
3. chey
4. goodness me
5. pengz
6. dotz
7. sian

7 qualities I want in a potential boyfriend/ girlfriend:

1. Sensitive
2. Wise
3. Firm
4. Patient
5. Humble
6. Some humour
7. Follows His ways wholeheartedly

7 Celebrity Crushes

NIL

Tagged!!

Alamak!! I thought, with such a pensive post. I'd not kena anything weird. Yet, still can kena....all thanks to Ms Tham!!!Tagged me for what?!?!?! =p

Aiyah, very ley chey...but oh well, for the fun of it..here goes....

1. Whenever I'm in need of comfort food, I'd go for ban mian (specifically qiulian's).

2. All I need to amuse myself is my journal, my pen and a cup of coffee.

3. My student life jobs included being a flyer distributor, donut stall helper, cosmetics salesgirl (hard to believe ah!), vitamin salesgirl, maintenance office administrator, paper sorter for insurance company, pokemon/gundam salesgirl.......I think that's it?

4. I love receiving cards (greeting,encouragement, etc), especially those with essay long messages.

5. Three women who impacted my life in the early years: Mrs Hedy Vaithilingam(pri 1-4 teacher), Mrs Tan Hang Wan (Pri 5-6 teacher) and Mrs Karen Tham (JC Geog teacher). All three shaped my thinking structure, passion for the arts and provided words of wisdom for my growing years. Interestingly, all three are all sisters-in-christ!

But no worries, I'm not going to tag anyone...to lazeeeeee for that....=)

Why?

Have a lot of questions on something. Hold back to ask.

Feel a lot for something. But not to the extreme. Hold back to feel all the way.

Why the holding back? What's stopping it to go all the way?

Do I know?